The River Stadiums

We got to Cincinnati without a problem; we even stopped at the Best Buy in beautiful Middletown. This was our second day game of the trip thus far, but the first that was outside. As you might remember, our game in Phoenix was in a covered stadium. Let me say just one thing about the experience, there is no better way to spend $5 than to see a day game on the banks of the Ohio River at Great American Ballpark. Their stadium is gorgeous and we sat in shade the whole time and enjoyed watching the Reds hit 6 homeruns. Balls just fly out of this park I guess. Here are a couple of interesting characteristics of this park; 1) all the seats are red 2) the right field is open and the Ohio River runs behind it 3) there is a gap in the upper section of the third base side bleachers which reveals downtown Cincy 4) there is a restaurant/bar in the batter’s eye in centerfield that is completely hidden from the casual observer 5) there are riverboat smokestacks in centerfield and every time a Reds’ pitcher strikes some one out little puffs of smoke come out of the top and every time a Red hits a homerun fireworks come out. A family sat down in front of us during the game. The order, from left to right, was mother-daughter #1-daughter #2-dad-future son-in-law. It took a few innings to figure it all out. The girls on the left were talking about the upcoming wedding of daughter #2. I guess she is registered at Pottery Barn and mom is not too pleased with some of her selections. Dad and future son-in-law were chatting about random stuff the whole game. These seem like the type of guys who go hunting together. Future son-in-law is also one of those I’m 20 yet I know everything kind of guys. I know the type because, well, I was one last year. Here is where the magic happened. Daughter #1, who is probably about 19, is on her 3^rd or 4^th Bud Light. Don’t worry, she was just keeping pace with the rest of the family. She then tells her mom that her father once told her that it was not love at first sight, he was just interested in her boobs. Mom was not happy to hear this. It seems that 30 years of marriage was based on an attraction to her anatomy. I don’t have any hard data to back this up, but I’m going out on a limb to say this isn’t the first relationship based on physical attraction. I don’t know, I’m not Dr. Phil or anything, but I’m just throwing that out there. Yet Mom was devastated. She began to cry. I’m serious, tears were running down her face. I thought she was going to have to excuse herself. I really felt bad for the dad. He was just sitting there enjoying the game and his 7^th Bud Light and now all of a sudden he is in the dog house. It was probably some story he either made up or told Daughter #1 in confidence to help her get over the fact that the quarterback on the football team broke up with her because he didn’t share her love. Poor Dad. However, the story has an upside, at least for us. The Reds scored more than 10 runs that game which means … FREE BUFFALO WINGS AT HOOTERS! Dinner is served. We are new to town, of course, so we have no idea where the nearest Hooters is located. Have no fear, know-it-all-future-son-in-law is here. This guy gave us directions to 4 different Hooters in the greater Cincinnati and North Kentucky areas. Complete with parking tips and which waitress to ask for. Not the kind of information you want to be throwing around when you are sitting next to the father of the girl you plan on spending the rest of your life with in marital bliss.

No surprise at all, Future-son-in-law gave us superb directions and we were on a Hooters on a riverboat on the Kentucky shore of the Ohio, how cool is that. Furthermore, we sat outside and we could hear the Jimmy Buffet concert going on just across the river. Free wings, Buffet, scantily clad women – welcome to Kentucky. It was a delight.

Since it was a day game we still had a lot of day to kill. So after dinner we decided to drink a little in Kentucky and then call it a night. So we went to the liquor store to pick up a 6-pack and some ice and guess what, the liquor store is drive thru. Yeah, you didn’t read that wrong, you drive, in your car, to purchase booze. I suppose that this state is all about efficiency, no point in getting out of your car if you are just going to be drinking in it anyway, ‘Oh, I’d be drinkin’ in here anyway. Just bring it straight to me boy I ain’t get my whiskey fix in a few hours now.’ Anyhow, we didn’t drink in the car, because, well, safety doesn’t take a holiday. We drink instead at the levy. I felt so American; we were sipping on beers on Sunday afternoon leaning up on the banks of the Ohio River. There was no place in the world I would have rather been.

We slept there that night and got up early to drive to Louisville. We had only one thing to do in Louisville and that was to see the Louisville Slugger Bat Museum. The name is deceiving because it is not just a museum but it is also the actual factory. On our guided tour they took us around and we watched guys making bat right in front of us. It was actually kind of ridiculous, a whole bunch of tourists walking around in sandals and Mickey Mouse t-shirts while these men are cutting wood that is spinning faster than 3000 rpm. I don’t think I pair of safety goggles would have been out of line. Yet the tour was definitely worth it and the museum was even better. Did you know that over 80% of MLB players use Louisville Slugger bats and that each player under contract receives 120 free bats a year? That is almost one bat per game. I could go on, but I’ll spare you.

We left there with one thing on our minds, bourbon. Kentucky, as you should all know, is the only place in the entire world where bourbon whiskey is made. Bourbon whiskey, as you should all know, is the official spirit of America. Needless to say, this was a mandatory stop. We found the Buffalo Trace Distillery which resides on the banks of the Kentucky River in Frankfort. Buffalo Trace is the oldest active distillery in the world – they were making bourbon before we signed the Constitution. Geoff and I were the youngest people there by about 50 years – and that is considering our combined age. Our tour consisted of 6 people; our guide Bob, Earl, Earl’s wife, Earl’s sister-in-law, Geoff, and I. Somewhere in between the video narrated by Alec Baldwin and the tasting room Earl decided that he was going to give a tour of a paper mill while we were on a tour of a bourbon distillery. I am not joking now, I could not come up with this, I’m not that clever. Earl would interrupt Bob the tour guide and begin telling us why the gauges in a paper mill are round (it is so that you can get better accuracy of the density). And did you know that when paper is made it is 99% water? Also, Earl’s old company up in Vicksburg (remember, we are in Frankfort Kentucky right now, Vicksburg is in Mississippi and to the best of my knowledge has not really been populated since the Civil War) was the first to use hard wood in paper and if you see black specs on the back side, that is what it is. Bob the tour guide, bless his heart, didn’t shut him up. He also did some great random name dropping. For example, “My neighbor, Jim Crowder, he had one of those stills and when the cops took it he broke into the police station and stole it back”. Are you kidding me? If you are going to blatantly fabricate stories at least come up with something that is going to impress us like, ‘Back in WW1 me and 3 buddies drank an entire barrel of bourbon in 3 days’. At least that is applicable. Furthermore, his wife was so concerned with how many trees were cut down to make the white oak barrels. You would have thought that they had to sacrifice children and kittens to make them, she was that concerned. And the sister-in-law, who was from Arizona, where the weather is just murder (yeah right, go to Miami) was a regular booze-hound. She kept trying to steal open bottles in the bottling room. About as often as Earl was telling us about the paper mill she was asking when the free tasting was. Hell of a family. Earl also let us know that the only reason why he lives in Alabama is because it is home to the finest bass fishing in the world. So if education, taxes, climate, culture are of no concern to you, and the quality of bass fishing is your number one priority, then you should move to Alabama.

They did take us into one of the warehouses where they age the bourbon. It smelled like my apartment did the day after graduation – it was glorious. Interesting fact about the white oak barrels they age the bourbon in; it is rather porous and more than half of the whiskey is lost to evaporation, this is called the ‘Angel’s share’. That is why angels are so happy.

We did finally get to taste the bourbon and it was a good thing because Earl’s sister-in-law was getting the shakes. This bourbon was won more awards in the past 5 years than any other whiskey in the world, and I could see why, it was delicious.

But back to baseball. We drove from Frankfort to Pittsburgh that afternoon. The Pirates now play at PNC park which is similar to Great American Ballpark in the sense that it is also on the banks of a river, the Allegheny River. It is an incredible field, a great place to see a ballgame. Also, if you park in downtown Pittsburgh, like we did, you have to walk across Roberto Clemente bridge to get the game. My words can’t do the setting any justice – it is a truly amazing place. They are so concerned with fan intimacy at this stadium that they put the press box above all of the seats – the media has the worst seats in the house, how cool is that. My favorite part of the park is that the right field wall is 21 feet high. This is an extremely subtle memorial to Roberto Clemente the Pirates’ rightfielder who wore number 21. Clemente was baseball’s first Latin superstar. He was a superb ballplayer and an even finer human being. He died in a plane crash while bringing supplies to earthquake victims in Nicaragua. He is not someone baseball fans will ever forget.

We left the game and drove towards Harrisburg near where Geoff’s aunt lives. On the way we made a quick stop at Denny’s. It was a delight. Not quite as delightful as 10 hours of a sleep in a bed though. That was a special gift from the joyful angels above.